Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
