I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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