my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
