WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
