And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
