and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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