So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
