The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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