apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
