Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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