The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
