Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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