Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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