Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
this boner is exhausting
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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