I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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