I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I need to calm my uterus...
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
