I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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