Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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