i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
