I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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