That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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