I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
