nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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