I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Bring me that man meat
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
