someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
