i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
