My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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