i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
