you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
