This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
