Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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