They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
