If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
