Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
