the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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