I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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