Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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