Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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