obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
