finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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