also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Randomize
