Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
