Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
