Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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