Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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