he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
