thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
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