MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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