thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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