These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
